


doubt

by Mongo00



Series: holding on (to life) [4]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, POV First Person, POV Josh Dun, References to Depression, insecurities/fears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 11:42:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13457517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mongo00/pseuds/Mongo00
Summary: My life is run by insecurities and fear; constant fear that many would dub as irrational.





	doubt

I’m a sensitive person. Always have been, always will be. 

I care about people more than I care about myself. Some may say that it’s ‘unhealthy,’ but that’s just me. I’m a selfless person, sorry. Some people think that it’s just an act, but it really isn’t.

I can never stop thinking. I over-analyze, overthink, and over-worry about everything. Everything. There’s anxiety for you. 

I’m so hard on myself. Everyone tells me that, but it’s true. I always take the blame, no matter what, and it’s about time that I don’t. I need to learn that /sometimes/ other people are at fault, and that’s been extremely hard. 

I always look for the best in people even though they might be somewhat horrible people. I try to give everyone a chance because I wasn’t when I was younger. Yes, I was bullied. Don’t feel sorry for me. Seriously. It’s made me stronger, it built my drive for life. 

I give everyone a chance, and that leads to being stabbed in the back many, many times. It hurts like hell every single time. You give your heart and soul out to someone, you’re always there for them, and they leave you. It hurts, how can it not?

People take advantage of me, and my friendliness. I always support other people. I seem like such a happy person from the outside, but you’ll never see how much I’m fighting inside my head. I’m fighting to stay alive, and sometimes I need support too. 

I fear that I’m not a good enough friend. I’m scared that people are afraid to approach me. I worry that I’m not good enough. That I’m not smart enough. That I’m not strong enough, mentally and physically. 

I’m scared that no one cares about me. That no one loves me. That no one will remember me. 

I wonder how much people would care if I died. Sure, they’d grieve for a couple months maybe then move on with their lives. People tell me that my life is /so/ valuable. Then why do we just move on after a while when someone dies? 

I doubt everything I do. I wonder if all of my effort will pay off. I wonder if people care about me. I have amazing friends, but I have also had too many ‘friends’ that abandoned me. 

I’m so sick of being left. I’m sick of people just disappearing from my life one day, just to move on with theirs, acting like nothing happened. 

I just wish people would stop leaving me. I wish they would tell me why, and I wish they realized how much it hurts me. 

It makes me feel like I did something wrong. That it’s all my fault when I tried my absolute best to be a good friend. 

I fear that people think that I’m annoying or high maintenance. I fear that I disappoint people. I feel like people have such high expectations of me, and I can never meet them.

My life is run by insecurities and fear; constant fear that many would dub as irrational. 

I’m scared of who I’ve become. I used to be this perfect kid a couple years back, straight A’s and no problems. Yes, I still have a 4.3, but my brain can’t accept anything lower. 

Nothing I do is ever good enough, and I need people to understand that. No, I cannot take a break (don’t you think I would if I could??). The idea of relaxing to me is letting my mind take over, and trust me, you don’t want my thoughts in control. It would be more horrifying than a horror movie. 

I wish I had a normal brain with normal thoughts. I wish my brain wasn’t out to kill me. I wonder why out of all people, I get stuck with these problems. I’ve never done anything bad or wrong, what did I do to deserve this?

Regardless of what I think, this is my head, and I’m stuck with it. I’m stuck with irrational fears and insecurities stuck on a spin cycle in my head that dictate how I live my life. 

But. Life without fear is a life with no drive. I’m petrified about what’s around the corner, but I’ll keep fighting these fears until they fade away one day. Because one day, I will beat my head; I will win this fight eventually.


End file.
